RANDOM

RAMBLINGS

COMPILED BY

FROM BITS AND PIECES GATHERED FROM HERE AND THERE

AND

WHICH HAVE EITHER PIQUED MY INTEREST OR TICKLED MY FANCY.

 March 9, 2006  

 Back to idiombykids.com (a site with other 1000 drawings of idioms) 

Most of what is in this collection has been gleaned from a variety of sources.  It would be impossible to give credit to the originators since they were collected over a period of 50 years with no intention to publish.  My apologies if I have infringed upon any copyrights.  

This is a RANDOM selection of things.  One way to enjoy this site is to just skim and read what pleases you.  For those of you who need some organization here is a partial index .

<><>Let The Ramblings Begin<><>

Lives of great men all remind us

            We can live a life sublime;

And departing leave behind us

            Footsteps in the sands of time. (Longfellow)

_______________________________________________

The clock of life is wound but once

            And no one has the power,

To tell just when the hands will stop

            On what day -- or what hour.

Now is the only time you have

            So live it with a will,

Don't wait until tomorrow

            The hands may then be still.

________________________________________________

It's not my place to run the train

            The whistle I can't blow,

It's not my place for me to say

            How far the train's allowed to go.

It's not my place to blow off steam

            Nor even clang the bell,

But let the darn thing jump the track

            And see who catches hell !

________________________________________________

When you get to heaven

            You will likely view,

Many folks who's presence there

            Will be a shock to you.

Do not be surprised

            Do not even stare,

Doubtless there'll be many folks

            Surprised to see you there.

_________________________________________________

How bitter my cup

            How deep my frown --

When each month I pay up

            What I didn't pay down.

_________________________________________________

Dry your eyes and weep no more

            I am not dead - but gone before.

Remember me and bear in mind

            You may not have long to stay behind.

________________________________________________

Just beyond the waves of Jordan

            Just beyond their chilling tide;

Blooms the tree of life eternal

            And the living waters glide.

In that happy land of spirits

            Flowers bloom on hills of gold;

And the angels are awaiting

            Where the pearly gates unfold.

_________________________________________________

The difficult age -- has come and lit

            I'm too tired to work -- and too poor to quit.

_________________________________________________

I get along with my arthritis

            My bifocals fit me fine,

I don't even miss my dentures

            But by gosh- I miss my mind.

_________________________________________________

Of recent times it seems

            I have reached that awkward age,

When people who look old

            Are merely only my age!

__________________________________________________

Poems are written -- by fools like me

            But only God -- can make a tree.

__________________________________________________

He wrecked his car

            He lost his job,

And yet throughout his life

            He took his troubles like a man --

He blamed them on his wife!

When earth's last picture is painted

            and the tubes all twisted and dried-

And the oldest colour has faded

            and the youngest critic has died-

We shall rest and faith we shall need it

            lie down for an eon or two-

Till the master of all good workmen

            shall put us to work anew.

_________________________________________________

Within this age of toil and sin

            Your head goes bald -- but not your chin.

__________________________________________________

ABOUT MARRIAGE

A wedding is an event -- but a marriage is an achievement.

Marriage is like a telephone call -- first you get a ring -- and then you wake up.

Marriages are made in heaven -- but then so is thunder and lightning.

A happy marriage is when a couple are as deeply in love as they are in debt.

Marriages should be built with union labour.

Marriage is like a traffic jam -- a good deal easier to get into than out of.

Marriage is societies way of showing us that we are not perfect.

A woman who has never seen her husband fishing -- does not know what a patient man she has married.

LAWS AND TRUISMS

The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and the rest willing to let them.

Be like a kettle -- Sing while you boil.

Zimmerman's Law --Nobody notices when things go right.

Murphy's Law -- Left to themselves -- all things go from bad to worse.

Kelly's Law -- An executive will always return from lunch early -- if no one takes him.

To err is human -- to forgive divine -- to forget impossible.

Sound off when you are angry -- and you will give the best speech you will ever regret.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

Fortune smiles on the bold -- and frowns on the timid.

Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wings. Only one thing is endures, and that is character.

CHILDREN

As the man pulled the young boy from a hole in the frozen river he asked -"How did you come to fall in?" "I didn't come to fall in" the boy gasped, " I came to skate."

A friend of mine who has raised five children says that for the first twelve years she fought to get the kids into bed --  for the next twelve years she fought to get them out of  bed -- and for the next  twelve years she hoped they were in their own bed.

The modern home is where a switch regulates everything except the children.

Children may be the future of our country -- but old age is our future!

When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.

Reasoning with your children should give you a pretty good reason why you shouldn't have tried.

A child who is eager to mow the lawn --  is usually too young to do it.

Children are a great comfort to you in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster too.

If you have any advice to pass on to your children, give it to them while they are still young enough to think you know what you are talking about.

"Do you thank God before you go to sleep every night?" asked the minister of the small boy. "Oh no" he said, "My mother says it for me." She says "Thank God you are in bed!"

Children seldom misquote you -- in fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

     
Father says to his young son-"Now son, aren't you glad you prayed for a young sister?" The son  looking at the new twin girls said -"Yes, and aren't you glad I stopped praying when I did?"

Insanity is hereditary -- you can get it from your children.

The only thing worse than having sick kids when you are well -- is having well kids when you are sick.

Mother to shoe clerk -"Sure, they might as well wear them home -- while they still fit.

Few things fortify our belief in heredity as much as becoming a grandparent.

One thing that kids save for a rainy day -- is lots of energy.

If you want a child to listen -- speak softly to someone else.

Parents who think kids are a 50-50 proposition -- don't understand two things -- kids or fractions.

"I want my hair cut just like my Daddy's" said the little boy to the barber -"put a hole in the top."

Lets face it -- there's only one perfect child in the world -- and every mother has it.

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Adam was the only man in the world who, when he said a good thing, knew that no one had said it before him.

Golf is no longer a poor man's game -- there are thousands of poor players.

Segals law -A man with one watch always knows what time it is -- a man with two watches is never sure.

A man who is polite always listens intently to things he knows everything about when it is being told to him by someone who knows nothing about them.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife -- you can be sure either his car or his wife is new.

The moment a woman stops liking all men in general and starts liking one man in particular -- she is in trouble -- and so is he.

Oscar Wilde says "Getting older is when you would rather not have a good time -- than having to get over it."

The man who admits he has a lot to learn -- has already learned a lot.

A bachelor is a man who doesn't have much help in discovering his faults.

Some husbands can do no wrong -- they wouldn't dare!

Music is the speech of Angels!

The piece of their mind that some people give you -- makes you wonder if they have any left.

To find out how unreasonable some people can be -- just tell them you will accept any reasonable offer.

My car and I have the same bad habits -- we both drink -- we both smoke -- and we both are hard to get started in the morning.

Too bad that all people who know how to run the country -- are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

People will gamble on anything --  many of them are saving money on the chance that it may be valuable someday.

One executive says to another -"Well no, I wouldn't say he was conceited, but he is absolutely convinced that if he had never been born -- people would want to know why!"

After reading the stock reports the man turned to his wife and said sadly-"Do you remember that stock I was going to retire on when I became 55?" -- "well my retirement age is now 150."

Len said-"You are back in town again -- I thought you were a farmer." Bill replied-"You made the same mistake that I did."

Dwight D. Eisenhower says-"Science seems ready to confer on us as it's final gift -- the power to erase human life from this planet."

Douglas MacArthur says-"We have had our last chance. If we will not devise some greater and more equitable system, Armageddon will be at our door. The problem basically involves -- the improvement of human character."

Chairman Mao says-"Those who drink the water should remember those who dug the well."

To be seventy years young is often more cheerful than to be forty years old.(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

Tact = is telling a woman that every time you look at her time stands still. Lack of tact is telling her that she has a face that will stop a clock.

Parking places are hard to find = look how many people who found them before you did.

We have all experienced one of those moments when we have a premonition that the worst is about to happen -- like that instant when the barking dog which never bites --stops barking!

My friend shoots golf in the 70's-- if it gets any colder he quits.

A good sermon is one that leaves you wondering how the preacher knew all about you.

Knowledge, Experience, and Personal Skills ARE THE ONLY TREASURES IN LIFE THAT CANNOT BE STOLEN FROM YOU!!!

There is only one good thing about an egotist -- he never goes around talking about other people.

Love your enemies-- without them you'd probably have no one to blame but yourself.

In spite of inflation -- you can still get a good argument by putting in your two cents.

If there was any justice in the world -- we'd be allowed to fly over the pigeons occasionally.

It's exasperating that the taxes we pay maintain a system that accomplishes nothing efficiently -- except collecting taxes!

Prejudices run so deep in some people that they won't even listen to both sides of a phonograph record.

Don't knock the weather-- if it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't even start a conversation.

Experience is the thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you have made it again.

"The college I went to turned out some great men" the bar-hog bragged."When did you graduate?" asked another man. "Well, I didn't exactly graduate" he replied--"I was turned out!"

Few things give a person more leisure time than being punctual.

Mark Twain once debated the question of polygamy with a Mormon friend. The discussion became heated and the Mormon asked "Can you tell me a single passage from the Bible which forbids polygamy?" "Certainly" Twain replied, "No man can serve two masters!"

By the time one finds out what a drip he has been, it is too late to fix the faucet.

What this country needs is a good five cent cup of coffee for less than 90 cents.

The trouble with doing a thing right the first time -- is that nobody will appreciate how difficult it was.

Always tell the truth --maybe you may make a hole in one  when you are all alone on the golf course someday.

You've reached middle age when the morning after lasts all day.

Another thing they don't make like they used to -- is people who can fix them like they used to.

Unfortunately, the one thing most of us remember too well -- is what we forgive and forget.

Ever notice how your plans to lose weight - always runs into a snack?

You never know what kind of a mind a person has, until they give you a piece of it.

Being an optimist these days is likely to make people think that you are not very well informed. 

In spite of jets, missiles, and such -- the research and development experts have yet to invent something that goes faster than a one week vacation.

"I had a miserable day yesterday" said the worried business man -- "everything went right and it made me nervous."

A politician is a person who approaches every subject with an open mouth.

If you don't think the dead never come back to life -- you should be here at quitting time!

A cynic is one who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.(Oscar Wilde)

You know when you are getting old when your pacemaker opens the garage door when a pretty girl goes by.

As difficult as nailing a piece of jelly to the wall.

Frustration is when you work yourself to the top of the ladder in life -- and then find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

 The trouble with experience is that it is always teaching something you didn't want to know.

The age of puberty is when your son stops asking where he came from, and refuses to tell you where he is going.

A loser is someone whose dreams never come true -- but whose nightmares do.

And then there's the old joke about capitalism being a system in which man exploits man, whereas under socialism the reverse is the case.

It took movies only 50 years to go from silent to unspeakable.

One way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

I'll spend no time moaning

            About things I cannot do.

Although I may be over the hill

            I can still admire the view.

Someday we may all learn that money is not everything, but it is important that we remember that the easier it is to get and the less we do to earn it, the less it is worth.

One of the nice things about inflation is that your kids no longer can get sick on a five cent bag of candy.

Life is just a symphony of snap, crackle, and pop -- when you are young it is cereal -- when you are older it is your joints.

North America are countries infested with dictators -- and all of them are under six years of age.

Inflation is prosperity with high blood pressure.

The trouble with taking a middle-of-the road position-- is that you're likely to get run over from either direction.

"I thought you were going to visit your red-haired friend at her apartment tonight""I did" he replied."How come you are home so early?" he was asked. He replied "Well, we had dinner, and talked awhile, and then she turned out the lights"."And so you left?" he was asked. "Sure" he said -- "I can take a hint."

A pessimist is a person who says things were bad in the past, things are still bad, and things will always be bad. An optimist says that things were bad in the past, are still bad, but nothing can be worse than this.(A Russian Proverb)

So now we have rampant inflation, record unemployment, high interest rates and a recession?--That's why they keep shuffling the cabinet in Ottawa-- like babies in diapers, they should never have to sit in their own mess too long.

What makes the problems of middle age so difficult is that children and their grandparents have all the answers.

The lesson of life, I suppose, is that happiness is fragile, and it's not always the other guy's that breaks. Hug your kids and fill their stockings, but remember the ones that are empty.

Just like the story of the pugilist's manager telling him that the opponent hasn't laid a glove on him. The battered pug replied -" Then keep an eye on the referee--Somebody is sure beating the hell out of me."

A man was asked "How did you come out in that fight with your wife last night."  "Well" he said- "She came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" he was asked?"--She said-"Come out from under that bed, you coward."

As long as they have final examinations -- there will be prayers in schools.

One third of the food we eat will keep us alive -- and the other two thirds will keep our doctors alive.

Americans are not as political as Canadians -- in the Iowa primary only 10% of people voted, --in the Quebec referendum 120%  of people voted.

We also had a revolution -- In 1837 Canada had the Farmer's Revolution -- It was so short that we had no time to write a song, or shoot rockets, or anything like that -- but some farmers did get bombed.

It is funny thing about life -- if you refuse to accept anything but the very best, you very often get it.(Somerset Maugham)

Time has a wonderful way of weeding out the trivial.

It is always the season for people to learn.(Aeschylus)

Christmas is really getting commercialized --Nowadays the only time you hear someone mention God during the festive season is when they stick their finger in a live Christmas light socket.

How do you get rid of a headache --sleep with your head resting on a railway track.

How to lose weight permanently -- swim in shark infested waters.

It is better to fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed, than to succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail.

Some Church members and all politicians are like deep sea divers -- encased in suits designed for many fathoms deep, marching bravely out to remove the plugs in a bath tub.

All too often people aim at nothing in life -- and achieve it!

Looking over a platoon of new recruits for his army, the Duke of Wellington remarked "I don't know what effect they will have on the enemy -- but by thunder -- they scare the Hell out of me!"

Robert F.Kennedy writes- "A society that cannot help the many who are poor cannot save the few that are rich."

Caligula writes: Here is what frightens me, to lose one's life is a little thing -- and I will have the courage when necessary; but to see the sense of life dissipated, to see our existence disappear, = that is intolerable. "A PERSON CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT MEANING!"

H.Van Dyke says: Every task however simple -- Sets the soul that does it free.

Gasoline and alcohol make a dangerous mixture -- but not nearly so dangerous as politicians and paper  money.

We do not see the vital point

            That it is the eighth most deadly sin

To wail - The world is out of joint

            And not attempt to put it in.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool -- Than to open it and remove all doubt.

The only people who work overtime are the self employed.

Worry is like a rocking chair -- it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

You are getting middle aged when your weight lifting consists of getting up out of the chair.

He is the very responsible type --i.e. when anything goes wrong, he is responsible.

Often in life you are judged by your misdeeds, rather than your deeds.

So you think you have trouble? -- What about the fellow who moved to a new town - and got run over by the welcome wagon!

Happiness is like manure -- you need to spread it around.

Silver threads among the gold -- are better than no hair at all!

Confessions may be good for the soul -- but they are bad for the reputation.

There is the story of the eccentric financial mandarin wandering around parliament hill with a duck under his arm. An irate taxpayer accosted him asking "What are doing with that jackass?" "That is no jackass, stupid" said the mandarin- "It's a duck". The taxpayer replied "I wasn't talking to you -- I was talking to the duck!"

The only man that got his work done by Friday -- was Robinson Crusoe.

Incentive - is when your boss says "Do this and I will raise your salary"-- Motivation is when your boss says "do this - or you are fired!"

I wouldn't say my ? /? is a failure -- it is only that he/she/?? was willing to start at the bottom, and stayed there.

Science and technology are moving ahead at leaps and bounds. Now they are only about twenty years behind the comic books.

The fire you kindle for your enemy often burns yourself more than it does him.

A man can tell when he has reached middle age because that's when he begins considering a hat a fringe benefit.

An old farm hand gave his occupation as "pilot". "I pile it here, and I pile it there" he explained.

Father: "Can you give my daughter the luxuries to which she has been accustomed?" The young man replied "Not much longer -- that's why I want to get married."

God made the rivers

            God made the lakes

God made man

            Well, we can all make mistakes.

If sex is #1 and money is #2 == What is 3 & 4? Why, 7 of course.

"Hey- I just burned a hundred dollar bill" said one. "Wow" said the other, you must be rich!" "No" said the other - "but it is much easier to burn them than to pay them."

"You weren't supposed to give away our secret" said one.  "I didn't" replied the other.  "I just traded it for another."

General Custer was the first man to wear an Arrow shirt.

They say some things are worth waiting for. Well, that joke wasn't one of them.

Golf is like sex -- when it's good it's terrific --when it's bad it's still pretty good.

All arguments have two sides -- but some have no ends.

New public buildings, or many major events are not important --plumbing is.

The easiest way to solve a problem is to pick an easy one.

We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to sermons.

Politicians are like polkas -- they have different names but they all sound alike.

Santanya says "Life is not a spectacle nor a feast --it is a predicament!"

My friend is a magician -- He walked down the street yesterday -- and turned into a drug store.

It is o.k. to drink like a fish --as long as you drink the same thing.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

I'm flexible -- I only open my mouth to change feet.

If his mind didn't wander -- he would not get any exercise at all.

Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night.

He doesn't exaggerate -- let's say he always tells the truth, but adjusts it for inflation.

Man is the only animal in the world that can get skinned more than once.

How to confuse an Irishman/etc -- lean three shovels against a wall and then say "Take your pick."

Teacher asks a little boy --"Do you know where God is?" "Of course" he replied "He is in the bathroom". "How do you know that" the teacher asks. "Because every time my Dad wants to go there he always says -- My God, are you still in there" was the reply.

When in danger -- when in doubt -- run in circles -- scream and shout.

When a man is wrong and won't admit it -- he always gets angry.(Sam Slick)

It is certain that there is no such thing as a bad boy-- but it is equally certain that there are some boys out there that aren't as good as they could be.

When criticism doesn't annoy you, it's probably your own.

There are just as many fairy tale writers around as in the days of the Brothers Grimm -- it's just that now they're all employed writing real estate ads.

No time is perfect. There was time when you could get all the on street parking you wanted, but you couldn't get a seat on the street car.

An optimist is someone who will marry his secretary thinking he will still be able to dictate to her.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

A man who can smile when things go wrong -- has found someone to blame it on.

Anyone who thinks business people have lost their ingenuity haven't seen some of the inventiveness used by some authors of their expense accounts.

Anybody who calls a rose by any other name is probably pruning them.

The good old days are a result of a bad old imagination.

Many a man laughs at a woman putting on makeup, then spends ten minutes trying to make three hairs look like six.

The average person has five senses- touch, taste, sight, smell and sound. The successful person has two more- horse and common.

By the time we get old enough not to care what anybody says about us -- nobody says anything.

Hard work never hurt you. Unless, of course, you're paying to have it done.

Errors of enthusiasm are often preferable to the indifference of wisdom.

The longer a man is wrong, the surer he is that he's right.

A cynic is one that if you agree with him spends the next two days trying to figure out what he said wrong.

The mind is a wonderful thing. It starts to work the minute you are born and never stops until you get up to speak in public.

A cynic is one who wants to know why Noah didn't swat those two flies when he had the chance.

You know you're getting older when:::::::

--Your knees buckle ... and your belt won't.

--The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

--Dialing long distance wears you out.

--You sink your teeth into a nice steak... and they stay there.

Some of our governments see their constituents as somewhat smarter than a rock, but not as smart as a radish.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is virtually indistinguishable from magic.

Man is a luxury loving animal. His greatest exertions are made in pursuit, not of necessities, but of superfluities.

What will today's generation tell their children they had to do without?

When you get paid for a mistake, you're probably getting alimony.

The problem with a lot of the new medical treatments is that they have side effects -- like bankruptcy.

The farmer and his dog went in to see the rural bank manager for a loan. The bank manager refused to give him the loan and a heated argument took place. The dog got excited and finally ran around the desk and bit the manager in the leg. Then he jumped over the counter and bit a customer in the leg. The manager said "I can understand the dog biting me, but why would he also bite an innocent customer?" The farmer replied --"Well, that was so he could get the bad taste out of his mouth."

A ne'er do well came in every monday morning to ask the bank manager for a $50 loan and each time the manager always refused. Finally tired of him coming in so often the manager said -"I have a glass eye, and if you can guess which one it is I will give you the loan." The fellow replied "That is easy -- it is the left eye." The manager replied "That is right -- how did you guess it so quickly?" "Well" said the man --"it was the one that showed some sympathy!"

Our heritage from our ancestors is the spiritual treasures from which we draw all our inspirations.

A born loser -- is the guy who had the sandcastle contest clinched and then the tide came in.

In this world everything must be earned and paid for. Any "free pie in the sky" can turn out to be lemon --sour and expensive.

Be careful of the words you say

            Keep them soft and sweet,

You never know from day to day

            Which ones you'll have to eat.

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

The man says "I didn't want to marry her for her money -- but it was the only way I could get it."

Some say men may be more intelligent than women --but you never see a woman marrying a dumb man because of his shape.

Age is like underwear -- it creeps up on you!

There is little danger in our government being overthrown, there is too much of it.

Woman at her doctor with Bursitis = The doctor asked "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" "No" she replied "I let him sleep in."

The only way some people can make ends meet these days is to rhumba on a crowded dance floor.

Often a beauty parlor is a place where the gossip alone is enough to curl your hair.

In this modern topsy-turvy world, it is now the custom to go out to dinner and stay at home to watch a movie.

More people now depend on the government than once supported it..

A procrastinator is one who puts off till tomorrow things he has already put off till today.

Eric Hofer says: "It is easier to love humanity as a whole than it is to love one's neighbor."

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he make a hole in one.

The lawyer told his friend - "I am now engaged in the dairy business." His friend showed surprise so the lawyer replied "It is a fact -- at present I am milking an estate."

A woman was asked if her husband was careless of his appearance. "Yes" she said " He stepped out for a walk a year ago and hasn't appeared since."

As long as people earned what they were paid - paid their bills - demanded others do the same - saved for their own security - produced more for more wages - then the dollar was impregnable because of character behind it. When the greedy get something for nothing, then character is gone and the currency with it.

What is the difference between a recession and a depression ? In a recession we bring home $25 a week instead of $50. In a depression we remember how good we had it when we brought home $25.

The employment manager told the applicant that there was a job open in Florida and asked "Can you pick lemons?" "I sure can" the man replied-"I have been married three times."

We all enter this world equal -- and leave it the same way.

R.F.K.? says "Whom the gods wish to destroy - they first render insane."

No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.

Crime will not decrease until becoming a criminal becomes more dangerous than being a victim.

"Chutzpah" -- That is a man who kills his parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.

An easy way to solve a problem - Turn it over to the government -- but the government is run by the civil service , and they are run by no one.

There is no saint without a past -- and no sinner without a future.

Why is it that extremely wealthy men always seem to be so unhappy?--because the weight of their wallets keep pulling their pants down.

I'd rather be ashes than dust. I would rather have my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor than a sleepy and perservering planet.The proper function of man or woman is to live - not merely exist. (Jack London)

The real problem with your leisure  is how to keep other people from using it.

Science is wonderful -- It couldn't pry open the Pullman windows on the trains, so it invented air-conditioning.

Most people have some sort of religion -- at least they know what church they are staying away from.(John Irving)

Little boy said to the little girl while they were looking at the bathroom scale - "I don't know what this thing is -- but every morning my mother stands on it, looks at it and then cries."

Go to Egypt - take up a study of archaeology -- and then find a career in ruins.

Two pigeons were flying over a large stadium. One said "Look at all those people down there - you could hardly miss." The other said sadly "Yes, but it takes all the skill out of it."

 A young son asked his father "What is the difference between a statesman and a politician? The father replied- "A statesman wants to do something for his country. A politician wants his country to do something for him."

"I've got a job at last, Dad," the young boy told his father, "it's a new play and I got the part of the man who has been married for twenty years." "Splendid" the father replied--"That's a start anyway-maybe one of these days they'll give you a speaking part."

First Banker "You say you're looking for a cashier? I thought you hired one last week." Second Banker "I did. That's the one I'm looking for."

Mrs Johnson was asked-"Who was it that broke your window?" She replied "It was my husband -- he ducked!"

The patient asked " I suppose the operation will be dangerous, doctor?"-"Nonsense" he replied -"you couldn't buy a dangerous operation for forty dollars."

Everything was set for the wedding ceremony, but the groom looked bothered. "What's the matter?" whispered the best man. "Don't tell me you've lost the ring?" "No" he replied -- "but I have lost my wild enthusiasm."

Doctor (after examining patient) "I don't like the looks of your husband, Mrs. Brown.""Neither do I, Doctor" replied Mrs.Brown, "but he is good to the children."

Judge --"What ever possessed you to strike your wife?" Defendant -- "Well, she had her back to me. She was bending over. The broom was handy, and the backdoor was open, so I thought I'd take the chance."

Uncle Oinsley say's this is a man's world. When a man is born people ask "How is the mother?" When he marries they exclaim, "What a lovely bride!" And when he dies they enquire "How much did he leave her?"

"I didn't see you in church last Sunday" the friend said. "I know you didn't" was the reply-" I took up the collection."

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Restless youngster at (3 a.m.) "Mommy, tell me a story." The mother replied "Hush dear, Daddy will be home soon and he will tell us both one."

No man has greater faith than the bare headed individual who buys his hair restorer from a bald headed druggist.

The perfect gift for a bald headed man -- A comb -- he can't part with it.

The rarest of all human beings is a happy well adjusted millionaire.

Anger is a wind that blows out the lamp of the mind. (Robert G.Ingersoll)

"Does your husband always live up to his promises of his courtship days?" she was asked.

"Always" she replied "In those days he said he was not good enough for me, and he has been proving it ever since."

"Just think of it!" exclaimed the romantic young newlywed, "a few words mumbled over your head and you're married."- "Yes" agreed an old cynic "and a few words mumbled in your sleep and you're divorced."

Diplomacy is the art of saying things in such a way that nobody knows exactly what you mean.

Possibly man could live twice as long if he didn't spend the first half of his life acquiring habits that shorten the other half.

An American league umpire on ump's minor league wages says -- "If you're not married , you're lucky. If you're married and your wife works, you're also lucky."

One sports columnist wrote "Some people won't listen to their consciences because they dislike taking advice from a perfect stranger."

If you're give a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older the money will become your sex appeal.

I'm madder than a carpenter ant in a sheet metal shop-- you know what I mean - you wood if you could but you canned.

I'm madder than a beaver in a petrified forest - you know what I mean --life's a dam site harder than it should be.

I'm madder than a mountaineer in Moose Jaw -you know what I mean -- this bald headed prairie is driving him up the wall.

The "Fly Swatter Magazine" says -"A single fly in April will produce seven billion flies by September. Just think what a married fly could do!"

In his hospital room Oscar Wilde just before he died said-"This wallpaper is killing me -- one of us has to go."

Love is temporary insanity, cured only by marriage.

Age makes wine worth more and people worth less.

Age is mostly a matter of mind over matter--if you don't mind it doesn't matter.

Be nice to people until you make a million. After that they will be nice to you.

The trouble with good advice is that it interferes with what you want to do.

People who like sausage and respect the law - should never watch either of them being made.

Some people cannot even cross the room without tripping on their tongue.

Or there was the man whose entire library burned one night. There were two books in it and one he hadn't yet finished colouring.

The only trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.

The price people pay for not concerning themselves with politics is to be governed by people worse than themselves. (Plato)

There  nowhere exists a power which does not seek to increase itself.--(A universal law)

The Koran -sura 76 --Does there not pass over man a space of time when his life is blank?

In Africa a witch doctor has a cure for baldness -- he shrinks your head to match the hair you have left.

He has a one track mind -- and the traffic on it is not very heavy.

He is the kind of guy that makes you wish birth control was retroactive.

Parkinson's third law is defined as "expansion means complexity - and complexity decay."

Bumper sticker says - "Read the Bible -- it will scare the "hell" out of you."

Money does bring happiness -- send me some and watch me smile.

That money talks -- I won't deny. I heard it once -- it said goodbye.

Money doesn't go as far as it used to -- but at least it goes faster.

Man asked friend - "Do you get regular exercise?" "Sure" was the reply, "I'm jumping to conclusions all the time."

Socialism is a form of government under which too many adults and not enough children believe in Santa Claus.

Socialism wont work except in Heaven , where they don't need it -- or in Hell where they already have it.

A specialist is a doctor who has trained his patients to become ill during office hours.

Things are a little worse than I thought -- there's a store that put on a going out of business sale -- and then went.

Some people couldn't tell which way an elevator was going -- even if you gave them two guesses.

In the case when you the economy gets so bad that you see bankers jumping out of the window - what should you do? Follow them -- there's likely money to be made out there.

Government cannot give to the people what they do not first take away from them.

You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

You cannot legislate the poor into economic freedom by legislating the wealthy out of it.

That which one man receives without working for, another man must work for, without receiving.

Nothing can kill the initiative of a people more quickly than for half of them to get the idea that they need not work because the other half will feed them, and for the other half to get the idea that it does no good to work since someone else receives the rewards of their labors.

It is better to be an ordinary man working for a living than to play the part of a great man and go hungry.

When you stop learning, you will soon neglect what you already know.

=Dorothy Frances Gurney writes =

The kiss of the sun for pardon

            The song of the birds for mirth,

One is nearer God's heart in a garden

            Than anywhere else on earth.

Literature is a power to be possessed, not a body of objects to be studied.

The human landscape of the New World shows a conquest of nature by an intelligence that  does not love it.

The rear view mirror is only a crystal -- there is no guide to the future except the analogy of the past.

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its labourers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life in any true sense. Under the cloud of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron." (Dwight D.Eisenhower)

The most technologically efficient machine that man has ever invented is the book.

Scientists who consider the study of humanities worthless -- are just clunkheads.

A veteran had just returned home and was visiting his girl friend. When the girl's parents went out, the veteran said to the young brother -"Here's a dollar if you go to bed." The little boy said- "here's five dollars -- if you let me stay up and watch!"

Sometimes you get the elevator -- sometimes you get the shaft.

I look like a million dollars --  green and wrinkled.

Inflation is when one half of your income goes for necessities, and so does the other half.

Mother to her newly engaged daughter - "There are just two things that I am sure of -- number one is that women are smarter than men." "What is number two" asked the daughter. The mother replied  "Never tell a man about number one!"

Grandpa used to say --"If we all liked the same things, everyone would be after your Grandma!"

Grandpa and Grandma were walking one day when a pigeon dropped a load on him. Grandma says "that's a pity -- too bad we don't have any toilet paper." Grandpa grumbled "I don't know what you need that for -- he must be a half of a mile away by now."

What were General Custer's last words at Little Big Horn? -"I like Indians, but this is ridiculous."

You can keep a  teenager in jail -- but you can't stop his face from breaking out.

A guy who gets too big for his britches -- always gets exposed in the end.

Just because riches make it hard to get into heaven -- poverty doesn't make it any easier.

At a party the fellow said to the girl -"with a little luck maybe we will hear some gossip." The girl replied "with a little luck maybe we'll make some."

Up on the mountain

            Green grows the grass,

Down came the Billy goat

            Sliding on his overcoat.

(This one is better when said out loud )

What does the bride think as she's walking into the church to remind her of the correct order of her wedding ceremony? -- "Aisle, altar, hymn."

Make yourself honest, and then you can be sure there is one less rascal in the world.

Did you hear about the brilliant company treasurer -- who absconded with the accounts payable?

The next world war after the next one will be fought with rocks.

Clarence Darrow says "When I was a boy I was told that anyone could be President. I'm beginning to believe it."

 Judge a man by the reputation of his enemies.(An Arabian Proverb)

Kin Hubbard says - "When a fellow says it ain't the money, but the principle of the thing - - it's the money."

Man says "I've been really hard on politicians, but in actual fact I have a soft spot for all of them -- a quicksand bog in Northern B.C."

Sydney Smith says "Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is confounded inconvenient."

Middle age is the time of life when a woman's curves turn into circles.

If you build castles in the air, that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.(Thoreau)

Providence has placed death at the end of life in order to give people time to prepare for it.

Kin Hubbard says: "If there's anything a dentist hates -- it's a drooping mustache."

When your work speaks for itself -- don't interrupt. (Henry J.Kaiser)

After reading the epitaphs in the cemetery, you wonder where all the sinners are.

A troublemaker never has any trouble making trouble.

A man who never bothers to vote is always ready to tell you what's wrong with the government.

What this country needs is a shorter week for working and a longer week for thinking.

A week is the shortest distance between two mondays and the longest distance between two pay days.

It's all right to think you are as young as you used to be, as long as you don't try to prove it.

The only thing you can give a man who has everything, is a calendar to remind him when the payments are due.

"I paid $l,000 for a dog that was part collie and part bull" the man said. "Which part was bull" he was  asked. He replied "the part about the $1000."

We have both a cat and a dog and I can't stand the cat. But we both have one thing in common -- we both hate the dog.

The cause of the accident was a small car driven by a little man with a big mouth.

People move from the cold of the prairies periodically. It is not the mosquitoes in the summer that bothers them so much -- it is the snow flies in the winter.

Grandpa brags -"My grandchild is a mental whiz - he has memorized the whole encyclopedia -- but because he is only two tears old he is too young to recite them."

It's a pity to be idle when so little keeps me busy.

Everything requires effort. The only thing you can accomplish without it is failure.

The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of it's currency - the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity, and both bring a permanent ruin, and both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists.

A pronghorn antelope can jump across a 30 foot ditch -- as long as he is closely followed by another pronghorn antelope.

There is an old European folktale about a family in which the father banishes the grandfather from the table because of his messy eating habits, forcing the old man to eat from a wooden trough in the kitchen. The next day the father noticed his little son playing with some boards in the yard and asked him what he was doing. "I'm making a trough for you when you grow old" was the reply. Grandpa was brought back to the family table the next day.

Every job is a self portrait of the person who did it! -- Autograph your work with excellence.

Simple things learned thoroughly -- make the difficult things much easier to learn!

Time doesn't heal all things, but it provides a chance to explore what life has to offer.

Go the extra mile -- it is never crowded.

It's funny that parents go from being fountains of wisdom when you are a child, to being the dumbest people you know when you go through the teen age years, and are everything in between those extremes until they settle into being just "folks". In reality they're the same people that they always were, it's just your perception that changes.

Many people could retire comfortably on what their experience has cost them.

Maybe hard work never killed a person, but I'll bet you never heard of anyone who rested to death, either.

It's a paradox that every dictator has climbed to power on the ladder of free speech. Immediately on attaining power each dictator has suppressed all free speech but his own.

In Long Beach, California two policemen checking a stolen car report found it parked in front of the owner's home and listened calmly while she explained -"I guess the rain washed it clean, and I didn't recognize it."

Being a husband is just like any other job. It helps if you like the boss.

The London Sunday Times: Socialism, as now interpreted in England, is competition without prizes, boredom without hope, war without victory and statistics without end.

Maybe you can't take it with you, but these  days where can you go without it.

Don't tell me what I mean, -- let me figure it out for myself.

He not only starts things he can't finish -- he starts things he can't even begin.

Anniversaries are occasions on which we look three ways. We tend to look back from whence we came and to look forward to where we want to go. This naturally leads to an assessment of what we are.

Actions and words to live by --Do not brood on disappointments or painful experiences --devote your life to worthwhile actions and affections, and remember Disraeli's words -- "Life  is too short to be little." All experiences, both painful and joyful will pass. Always remember your first obligation is to your conscience.

A good executive is one who can make an immediate decision and is sometimes right.

If you never want to be criticized, say nothing, do nothing, and you'll be nothing.

He's sure he missed some paradise

            Because he had to stick and grind,

While I on itchy feet am sure

            I passed it somewhere far behind.

Col.H.Flack says -"Do as you would do in any crisis -- appoint a committee."

Conscience is what makes you worry about what it couldn't stop you from doing.

Nothing brings you good luck so much as not relying on it.

Sympathy is never wasted except when you give it to yourself.

If you never stick your neck out -- you'll never get your head above the crowd.

There are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are only consequences.

Don't find fault -- find a remedy. Anybody can complain.

The reason the Ten Commandments are short and clear is because they were handed down direct, not through several committees.

When in doubt do the friendliest thing.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

An egotist -- Someone who thinks as much of himself as you do of you.

Good judgement comes from experience, and that of course comes from poor judgement.

Mother to daughter "Child, I hope your lot's going to be easier than mine" she said. "All my wedded days I've carried two burdens -your father and the fire. Every time I turned to look at one the other went out!"

It is important to know how to disagree without being disagreeable.

All of us can't be geniuses. But any ordinary talented mortal can be a success - and that is more than some geniuses are. Now, as it was in Aesop's time, the race doesn't always go to the one who is potentially the swiftest. The trained man  has no trouble in passing the genius who hasn't  improved his talents. In good times and bad times, in every technical and business field, the trained man is worth a dozen untrained ones, no matter how gifted.

Television is so uncertain that a fellow can be a successful comedian one day and a retired millionaire the next.

He's a model husband in every respect but one -- he isn't a working model.

Dan Bennett says "When a woman says she won't be a minute, she's usually right."

W.D.Howell says "Some people can stay longer in an hour than others do in a week."

Some people's smile have nothing behind it except teeth.

An atomic dress is one with a 20 percent fallout.

An extreme miniskirt can be called a "Bible" dress -- "Lo and Behold."

The all Canadian Male is the guy who's wearing last years suit, driving this year's car, and living on next year's income.

It's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill -- just add a little dirt.

Bob M. phones in to say this notice hangs in his office--"This is a non-profit organization. It didn't start out to be -- but that's the way it turned out."

Martha Washington wrote- "I have learned from experience that the greatest part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances."

D.F.Barich says "A chairman of a meeting is like a minor official at a bull fight whose main function is to open and close the gates to let the bull in and out."

A.Brisbane says "The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work."

Kiplinger says "A rumor is about as hard to unspread as butter."

Definition of diplomacy -- The art of saying "Nice Doggy" while you are looking around for a big stick or rock.

"I've got a new boy friend" bragged the little girl. "How do you know he is really your boy friend" she was asked. She replied - "I know because yesterday he told me to shut up and go home."

The bartender had whipped up a new drink called the "banker's cocktail". It was -- one drink you lose interest, two drinks you lose principal.

Horse racing is the sport of Kings

            So from it stay away;

Look around and you'll observe

            Most Kings are broke today!

At an especially stormy Town Council meeting an irate taxpayer rose to his feet in the spectators gallery and angrily shouted -"That alderman has about as much respect for parliamentary procedure as a tom cat has for his marriage license!"

Remember - When you are talking you are only repeating something you already know. If you listen you may learn something new.

Don't take life too seriously -- You won't leave it alive anyway.

Prejudice is a great time saver -- You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

A lot of friends are lost through borrowing money. In most cases it is touch and go.

Rev.Sam Shoemaker says "There's enough in the world for everyone's needs - but there is not enough for everyone's greed."

Of all the creatures on earth, only man can change his own pattern.  Man alone is the architect of his own destiny.

No one has a finer command of language than the man who keeps his mouth shut.

Many girls are attracted to the simpler things of life -- Men.

Whether a man ends up with a good egg or a nest egg depends a lot on the chick he married.

Anyone who thinks the automobile has made people lazy -- never had to pay for one.

My years are increasing and all in all

            There isn't too much that's consoling,

It's true that I still have a lot on the ball

            But the ball is so hard to get rolling!

Nonchalance is the ability to look like an owl when you have acted like a jackass!

What a Pandora's box that remark opened! I received only one reasonable response -- that is - there was only one opinion that agreed with mine.

Learning is a difficult art, you can't sweat for someone else. Just remember that when you came into this world your cot was only three feet. When you die your grave is six feet. That makes life a real struggle to gain a yard.

Living today is a game of robbing Peter to pay Paul just to stand Pat.

It's hard to say which is nicer of spring -- the flower's coming up or the heating bills going down.

In traffic tie-ups you meet a very cross section of humanity.

When a man gets too old to set a bad example, he starts giving good advice.

No great work of truth and beauty has ever been produced  that has not attracted the little minded and those that can produce nothing, but criticize everything.

A young wife preparing to take a role in an amateur theatrical asked her husband-"What do you think people would say if I wore tights?" He replied -"That I married you for your money."

In response to a comment on his clowning artistry, T.V.comedian Red Skelton admitted, "I've got the sixth sense -- but I don't have the other five."

A capitalist is a man who lives on less than he earns, and it is a great pity that every one cannot see this.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought to be necessary.

Harry S.Truman said - "I don't give them hell -- I just tell the truth -- and they think it's hell!"

The path of great leadership does not lie along the top of the fence.

Dr.H.E.Duckworth says -"The fact that we live in a democracy does not obligate us to pretend that all persons are intellectually equal. A rather small number tower above the others, and it is upon the achievement of this small number that the standard of living of all of us ultimately depends."

Dr.H.L.Keenlyside says "It would be obvious to an intelligent visitor to earth from another planet that the human race is predominantly insane. How else could such a stranger explain the fact that, as soon as we leave the innocence of childhood, as soon as we attain the power to reason and influence events, we begin to plan ways of killing each other?"

My advice to married couples is to live each day as though it were going to be their last. Because some day it will be.

Some people are as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

A woman is judged by the company she keeps --after she leaves.

A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Churchill said "Madame,please take that chip off your shoulder, it's always a sign of wood -- higher up!"

Customer asks "Doesn't your manager ever laugh?" The bank teller replied -"Sure, he always laughs whenever he is asked for a loan."

The frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you will outgrow it.

When it comes to giving some people will stop at nothing.

A young insurance salesman just graduated from sales training and saw a farmer plowing in the field. He waved him to a stop and enthusiastically gave his newly memorized sales talk to him, covering the multitude of reasons the farmer should leave his loved ones well cared for. After letting him have his say the farmer shook the salesman's hand and replied "Son, when I die I want it to be a sad day -- for everyone."

The acid test of a civilization is not its monuments, nor its materialistic accomplishments. It is what kind of people it produces.(George Romney)

They tell me the hammer is the only thing in the world that does a lot of "knocking" and accomplishes anything "constructive".

Why is it that there are so many ways to get into debt -- but only one way to get out of it?

They say it isn't the stork that brings the babies -- it's the little larks at night!

The noble art of losing face

            May one day save the human race,

And turn into eternal merit

            what weaker minds would call disgrace.

A friend is a rare book of which but one copy is made.(Shakespeare)

Definition of a bridge -- "A car spangled spanner."

Our finance minister Paul Martin says "job prospects and our economy are improving." That is like the Captain of the Titanic saying that things are improving because the bar now has plenty of ice.

"Laughter" -- is the clinking of a couple of unexpected coins in the shabby pocket of life --and life would be unbearable without it.

Grandson asked his grandfather "Grandpa, how did you stay married for 51 years?" "Oh", he said "I went deaf after ten years."

To be average means that in life you get no standing ovations but at the same time you get no hysterical laughter.

It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather it is regret over yesterday or fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today. So stop putting things off that you can enjoy this day, this week, or this year. "One of these days" may become none of these days.

Replying to tributes paid to him at a testimonial dinner, Herman Bayard Swope said -"I cannot give you the formula for success but I can give you the formula for failure -- try to please everybody."(Leonard Lyons)

The superintendent of an insane asylum noticed an inmate pushing a wheelbarrow upside down. "Why do you have it upside down?" he asked. The inmate replied, "You don't think I am crazy, do you?- Yesterday I had it right side up and they kept filling it with gravel!"

"My wife's a wonder" bragged one man. "One winter she knitted me socks out of an old bathing suit, and now she's knitting a bathing suit for herself out of one of my old socks."

Proud mother, holding infant, tells a visitor "He's eating solids now -- keys, pencils, etc."

Sweet young thing to perfume sales girl -"He's acting like that already. All I want is a dignified proposal of marriage."

Life Lessons

Sooner or later , a man, if he is wise discovers that life is a mixture of good days and bad, victory and defeat, give and take. HE LEARNS

-- that it doesn't pay to be a sensitive soul; and that he should let some things go over his head, like water off a duck's back.

-- that he who loses his temper usually loses out.

-- that all men get burned toast for breakfast now and then, and that he shouldn't take the other fellows grouch too seriously.

-- that carrying a chip on your shoulder is the easiest way to get into a fight.

-- that the quickest way to become unpopular is to carry tales and gossip about others.

-- that buck passing always turns out to be a boomerang, and that it never pays.

-- that the business could get along perfectly well without him.

-- that no man got to first base alone, and that it is only through co-operative effort that we move on to better things.

-- that even the janitor is human and that it doesn't do any harm to smile and say "Good Morning" - even if it is raining.

-- that most of the other fellows are as ambitious as he is, that they have brains that are as good or better, and that hard work, and not cleverness is the secret of success.

-- that bosses are not monsters, trying to get the last ounce of work out of him, but they usually are fine men who have succeeded through hard work and who want to do the right thing.

-- that people are not any harder to get along with in one place than in another, and that "getting along" depends about ninety-eight percent on his own behavior. (Wilfred Peterson)

It's strange how unimportant your job is when you're asking for a raise, and how important it can be when you want a day off.

Janet Reno, the attorney general, on the crime problem: "To make certain crime doesn't pay, the government should take it over and run it."

Al Gore, on the criticism from radio talk hosts: "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."        

Alan Greenspan, Federal Reserve Chairman, on Fed policy; "The Federal Reserve specializes in precision guesswork."

Pete Wilson, California's GOP governor, on proposition l87: "Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery."

Major League Baseball club owners on players' threat to boycott the 1995 season -"The graveyards are full of indispensable men."

The Media's judgment on politicians: "They instinctively admire a politician who has no talent and is modest about it."

A palindrome is a sentence or word that reads the same backwards as forward. Here are some examples.

            Sit on a potato pan, Otis.

            Madam, I'm Adam.

            Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam.

            A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

            Was it a car or a cat I saw?

            Redivider

            Evitative

            Emord nilapat on sisiht.(The opposite to " This is not a palindrome)"

            Dennis sinned.

            Dennis and Edna sinned.

            If I had a hi-fi.

            Are we not drawn onward to new era?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A happy cheerful person who can make you happy-- is someone with a smile so bright that it makes the birds forget to sing.(Ex.Pres.Jimmy Carter)

Remember that life is a journey -- enjoy the ride.

Why do working people like New Years? -- because it always lands on a holiday.

Music is a gift we all share equally. Whether we create it or simply listen, it is a gift that can soothe, inspire and unite us - often when we need it most - and expect it least.(Paul Sullivan)

The difference between humans and animals is that people have a conscience and know the difference between right and wrong.

In modern times the winds of change keep blowing. We know that change is not going away and it will continue to impact our lives and clearly, change is for the most part, a good thing.

Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom.

It used to be "up the creek without a paddle"- now it is "down the information highway without a modem!"

Imagination is something that sits up with a woman when her husband is out too late.

"Mary" said her mother reprovingly, "every time you are naughty I get another gray hair." "Gee, Mom" she replied "you must have been a terror when you were young -- just look at Grandma!"

Here  are some riddles etc. for  "younger" folks. (Page 1)

What do you get when you cross a homing pigeon with a parrot - (A bird that can ask for directions when it gets lost.)

Do you know why the Papa and Mamma flea were so mad?- (All their children had gone to the dogs!)

What did the plow say to the tractor?- ("Pull me closer, John Deere")

What do you get when you cross a computer with a bottle of peroxide?- (A calculating blonde.)

What do they call it if your shoes hurt your feet?- (The agony of defeat!)

What do you get if you cross a porcupine with an alarm clock?- (A stickler for punctuality.)

What do you get when you cross a budgie  with a penny whistle? - (A cheap trill)

What happens if you cross a bunny with a lollipop?- (There's a sucker born every minute.)

What do you get when you cross a dentist with an outlaw? - (A gum slinger.)

Why did the elephant cross the road - (It was the chickens day off.)

What key's don't open doors?- (Donkeys - Monkeys -Turkeys.)

Who invented spaghetti?- (Someone who used their noodle)

Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink? - (Because they can't dress themselves)

Where do hogs keep their money? - (In piggybanks)

Why aren't horses well dressed? - (Because they wear shoes but no socks)

What kind of hogs do you find on the highway- (Road hogs)

What is the most valuable fish? - (A goldfish)

What is more invisible than an invisible man?- (The shadow of an invisible man)

What did the big toe say to the little toe?- (There's a big heel following us)

What is the best key to have?- (Lucky)

What pet is always found on the floor?- (The carpet)

How can you place a pencil on the floor so no one can jump over it?- (Put it next to the wall)

What did the little skunk want to be when he grew up?- (A big stinker)

What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right hand?- (your right elbow)

What goes through water but doesn't get wet?- (A ray of light)

What kind of bow can't be tied?- (A rainbow)

What can you break without touching it?- (Your promise)

What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains?- (The ocean)

What goes up and down, but never moves?- (A staircase)

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?- (You're too young to smoke)

What did one wall say to the other wall?- (I'll meet you at the corner)

What is the strongest day of the week?- (Sunday- all the rest are "weak" days)

What did the big hand on the clock say to the little hand?- (I'll be around in an hour)

Why is your hand like a hardware store?- (Because it has nails)

What is everybody doing at the same time?- (growing older)

What side of the chicken has the most feathers?- (The outside)

Why are houses like books?- (Because they have stories in them)

What animal took the most luggage into the Ark and which the least?- (The elephant took his trunk = and the rooster  took only his comb)

What has teeth and never eats?- (A comb)

How many balls of string does it take to reach the moon?- (One-- if it is long enough)

What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker?- (My pop is bigger than your pop)

What word is always pronounced wrong?- (Wrong)

What can you hold without your hands?- (Your breath)

What can you break with only one word?- (Silence)

What is always coming and never arrives?- (Tomorrow)

Which moves faster-- heat or cold?- (Heat-- you can always catch a cold)

What question can never be answered with a "yes"?- (Are you asleep?)

What has four legs but cannot walk?- (A chair)

What is worse than finding a worm in an apple?- (Finding half a worm)

What bird is at every meal?- (A swallow)

What animal is the most generous?- (A skunk-- they are always ready to give you a "scent")

Where is the center of gravity?- (At the letter V)

Why are flowers so lazy?- (Because they are always in beds)

What flowers are between your nose and your chin?- (Tulips)

Why was 6 afraid of  7 ? - (Because 7 -8 -9)

<><><>This is the end of riddles etc. for the "younger folks"<><><>

            The following is a magpie collection of unusual facts which may be interesting.

There are 158 verses in the Greek National anthem.

Whatever its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.

You can mix oil and water -- just add a little soap.

When people first started sending letters, the recipient paid the postage.

Your body contains 99,758 kilometers of blood vessels, in which a million blood cells are produced and destroyed every second. It contains enough iron to make a spike strong enough to hold your weight.

Your nose continues to grow throughout your life. You blink about 25,000 times a day.

Bob Hope was a boxer before he became a comedian.

June 2,1953  was chosen for the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II partly because meteorologists said it was the most consistently sunny day of the year. It rained.

The animal with the biggest head in relation to its body is the ant.

The elephant has no bones in its trunk, just thousands of muscles.

Lobsters have blue blood.--Humming birds can't walk--Crocodiles are color blind--Cats can't taste sugar--Bulls can run faster uphill than downhill--People in Siberia usually buy their milk frozen on a stick.

During world war II, W.C.Fields kept $50,000 in a bank in Hitler's Germany. He said he did this - "just in case the little b-----d wins."

<><><>Some unusual things about words etc.<><><>

Only two words in the English language end in "shion" -- fashion and cushion.

Only two have their vowels in the "correct" order -- facetious and abstemious.

Although "e" is the most common letter in French, author Georges Perec wrote a full length book, La Disparition, in which it does not appear even once.

To type the word typewriter, all you need is the top row of keys.

Only two words in the English language end in "eny" -- deny and progeny.

There are two words that cannot be rhymed -- orange and silver.

There are only three words ending in "gry".-- angry, hungry and?(I heard this on Jeopardy and did not write it down-- if anyone reading this knows the other word ending in "gry"-please let me know)

What two letters do not appear on a telephone dial? -- Q and Z

<><><>This is the ending for the play on words etc.<><><>

The first vessel to circumnavigate North America was the R.C.M.P. vessel "St. Roch."

The top speed of a sneeze is approximately 200 miles per hour.

The largest bird in the world is the North African Ostrich.

Our task must be to free ourselves -- by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living beings and all of nature.

Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness or despair, but are manifestations of strength and resolution.(Kahlil Gibran)

Happiness is like jam. You can't spread even a little without getting some on yourself.

Kindness is more important than wisdom; and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom. A kind word is like a spring day. (A Russian proverb)

My religion is simple -- My religion is kindness. (The Dalai Lama)

Mickey Mantle said before he died -"If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself." He should have taken to heart the advice of the author in the health magazine "Warning" of May,1923 which says --

YOUR BODY

IS

A BIG PART OF YOUR CAPITAL

<><><><><><><><><><>

DON'T

INVEST IT IN

THE BANK OF CARELESS HABITS.

In spite of all blessings, sometimes bad things happen to good people. It is one of the inevitable facts of life and one shouldn't worry too much about it. Hard luck and adversity are difficult to battle with and you have to "kick at the darkness till the daylight comes. Never give up!"

The greatest pleasure in life is accomplishing something people say you cannot do.

The great novelist Victor Hugo used to ask his servants to steal his clothes. This meant he could not go outside, and had to carry on with his writing--When Pablo Picasso was young and impoverished he kept warm by burning his own paintings--Leonardo da Vinci invented an alarm clock that woke him up by moving his feet. Just remember that enthusiasm and pride in what you do are prerequisites for success, and successful people know what they want and what they will give up to get it.

The real law lives in the kindness of our hearts. If our hearts are empty, no law or political reform can fill them. (Tolstoy)

If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not deter or neglect it- as I shall not pass this way again. (William Penn)

The best portions of a good man's life are his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.(William Wordsworth)

A recession is a period during which you discover how much money you were wasting on non-essentials.

Thoughts for now and the future:

Beware of "free stuff"-- it usually costs more than it is worth!

Inevitably, all things that go up must come down-- except for taxes!

We live and learn-- and then we forget.

There would be less confusion in the world -- if we would say what we mean and mean what we say.

A man stepped on a ladies foot in the supermarket and indignantly said "Why don't you put your foot where it belongs!" He replied "Don't tempt me, lady."

Diplomacy is when a person says - "You look like the fresh breath of spring" -  but what they meant to say was --"you look like the tail end of a hard winter!"

Definition of an unfortunate marriage = it would have been a great success except for one thing  = on their wedding night she took off her dress -- and he put it on and went out.

A few days ago I politely let a man go ahead of me in the supermarket line since he only had two items -- a note and a gun.

George M.Cohan, who was famous for singing that "he was born on the fourth of July" wasn't born on that day. He was born on the third of July, l878.

Quebec City was 386 years old on July 3,l994.

"Gamophobia" is the fear of marriage. The "inion" is that little bump on the back of your skull.

Each year we wish happiness to Matej Gaspar, who was born on July 11,1987 in Zagreb in the old Yugoslavia and was chosen by the United Nations as the world's five-billionth citizen -- I wonder how he is faring today? Oddly enough, the ancestral family name of George Vancouver in Holland was also Gaspar. George's father(the family lived in the Dutch town of Coeverden) was John Gaspar. To show his family was of nobility, John added "van Coeverden" to the name. And that's how we get the name "Vancouver".

(Charles Aeneas Shaw, topographer on the first survey for the future CPR during the winter of  1872-73  noted in his report) "Our supplies on this survey consisted of flour; Chicago mess pork in brine, which was taken out of the barrels, and put in sacks so it could be carried on the toboggans; beans and tea. There was also a large supply of corn meal, on which the train dogs were fed. The Government did not allow sugar, soap or candles, these being considered unnecessary luxuries which would overload the dog teams." (submitted by Raymond Hull, Vancouver)

"If you can spare me five minutes sir" announced the door-door canvasser, I can show you how to earn twice the money you are now getting." "Don't bother,"  the man said sadly, "I do that now."

"Madam, what do you mean by letting your child snatch off my wig?" She replied-"Sir, if it was just a wig, think nothing of it. I was afraid that the little devil scalped you!"

You can't sleep? Then do like Orson Wells, actor and producer does --he reads the History of Henry County, Illinois. He says -"If that fails, I turn out the light and try to pretend it is 5 a.m. on a cold winter morning,  and I have to get up."

A salesman bought some limburger cheese to eat in his hotel room. When he was ready to leave, he still had half of it left. He didn't want to pack it, nor did he want to leave it in the room, so he buried it in the dirt of a potted plant on the window sill. A few days later he received a telegram from the hotel - It said -"We give up -- where did you put it?"

No business firm can continue to stay in business if it constantly cheats itself out of sufficient profit to pay its way. Therefore a real bargain is a rare event to be found in a business world which has devoted itself to scientific studies of cost, profit and price statistics.

The most marvelously and delicately made machines we will ever own are our bodies. If we treat them with care, they will serve us well, for they are wonderfully adaptable.

Fortunate are those who grow up in a religion or faith in which they can fully believe. Yet every person must find their own way and their own belief, and the finding of it is important to each of us as we grow older.

Humor is one of the most valuable of all qualities. Like yeast in the bread, oil on the wheel, bubbles in the champagne, it cushions the rough spots and flavors experience. It sets things in proper proportion and saves us from pomposity.

The happiest people are rarely the richest, or the most beautiful, or even the most talented. Happy people are adaptable- they can bend to the wind, adjust to the changes in their times, enjoy the contests of life and feel themselves in harmony with the world. Their eyes are turned outward, they are aware and compassionate. They have the capacity to love.

Besides loving, the greatest source of happiness is the art of creation, whether it be a work of art, a garden, a social reform, a professional or personal achievement of any sort. Throughout , a love of excellence lifts one's sights and makes even the smallest task a source of satisfaction.

The difficulties and sorrows of life are easier to bear if we accept them as part of the whole fabric of living, and realize that we share with one another many of the same troubles and tragedies. Time is the great healer of hurt and anguish- given time, wounds do heal over, leaving scars of course, but constantly easing. This is something on which we can count.

Some people treat life like a slot machine, trying to put in as little as possible, and always hoping to hit the jackpot. But I believe that people are wiser, happier and have more inner peace when they think of life as a solid intelligent investment from which they receive in terms of what they put in. And by so doing they help preserve our free society.(Roger Hull)

  Poems

THE MAN IN THE GLASS

When you get what you want in your struggle for self--And the world makes you king for a day,

Just go to a mirror and look at yourself--And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife--Whose judgment upon you must pass,

The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life--Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think you're a straight shooting chum--And call you a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum--If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest--For he's with you clear to the end,

And you've passed your most dangerous test--If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years--And get pats on your back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartache and tears--If you've cheated the man in the glass.

(Author unknown)

THE BOY WHO DIDN'T PASS.

A sad little fellow-- sits alone in deep disgrace,

            There's a lump rising in his throat -- and tears drop down his face.

He wandered from his playmates -- he doesn't want to hear,

            Their shouts of merry laughter -- since the world has lost it's cheer.

He has sipped the cup of sorrow -- he has held the bitter glass,

            And his heart is fairly breaking -- the boy who didn't pass.

In the apple tree the robin sings --  a cheery little song,

            But he doesn't seem to hear it -- showing something's plainly wrong.

Comes his faithful little spaniel -- for a romp and a bit of play,

            But the troubled little fellow -- bids sternly -"go away."

And alone he sits in sorrow -- with his hair a tangled mass,

            And his eyes are red with weeping -- the boy who didn't pass.

Oh you who boast of a laughing son -- and speak of him as bright,

            And you who love a little girl -- who comes to you at night.

With shining eyes and dancing feet -- and honors from her school,

            Turn to that lonely little lad -- who thinks he is a fool.

And take him kindly by the hand -- the dullest of his class,

            He is the one who most needs love -- the boy who didn't pass.

                                                                                                      (Author unknown)

You are the fellow who has to decide

            Whether you'll do it- or toss it aside.

You are the fellow who makes up his mind

            Whether you'll lead or linger behind.

Whether you'll try for the goal that lies afar

            Or be the one who's contented, and stay where you are.

A SENIOR CITIZEN'S LAMENT

Thought I'd let my doctor check me--- Cause I didn't feel quite right,

            All those aches and pains annoyed me --- and I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder --- but he wouldn't let it rest,

            What with Medicare and Blue Cross --- it wouldn't hurt to do some tests.

To the hospital he sent me --- though I didn't feel that bad,

            He arranged for them to give me --- every test that could be had.

I was flouroscoped and cystoscoped --- my aging frame displayed,

            Stripped upon an ice cold table --- while my gizzards were X-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites --- for fungus and the crud,

            While they pierced me with long needles --- taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over --- probed and pushed and poked around,

            And to make sure I was living --- they wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded --- (their results have filled a page)

            What I have will someday kill me --- my affliction is OLD AGE!!!

DIVERSITY

We each have a body --- and a color of skin,

            And most importantly --- we have a person within.

We each have a gender --- and a culture and a race,

            But above all else --- we have a place.

Each of us has a heritage --- and a pride in our name,

            For while we are all different --- we are also the same.

OLD FRIENDS

Old friends are always wonderful -- and some are priceless too,

            But we should look around and try -- to cultivate the new.

Because the circle that is formed -- by all the hands we shake,

            Surrounds the height and margin -- of the progress that we make.

And if our friends of years ago -- are all we have today,

            Then surely we have slowed our stride -- and walked an idle way.

Whereas each new one helps to ease -- our struggle and our strife,

            And every larger circle -- is a longer lease on life.

So let us keep the gentle friends -- that we have come to know,

            But also let us do our best -- to make the circle grow.

Take time to think - it is the source of power;

Take time to play -  it is the secret of perpetual youth;

Take time to laugh -  it is the music of the soul;

Take time to love and be loved -  it is a God given privilege.

Friendship is the comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but letting them pour right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a friendly hand will take them, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of comfort blow the rest away.

CRY WE WHO'VE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT

When some fellow yields to temptation

            And breaks a conventional law,

We look to no good in his make-up

            But Gosh, how we look for a flaw.

No one will ask, "How tempted?"

            Nor allow for the battles he's fought.

His name becomes food for the jackals

            For us who have never been caught.

"He has sinned," we shout from the house tops

            We forgot the good he has done.

We center on one lost battle

            And forgot the times he has won.

"Come gaze on the sinner-" we thunder

            "And by his example be taught,

That his footsteps lead to destruction"

            Cry we, who have never been caught.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I shut the door on yesterday

            And threw the key away,

Tomorrow holds no fear for me

            For I have found today.

Nothing makes crossing the street so dangerous as being a pedestrian.

Locking the barn door after the horse has been stolen at least gives one a chance to save the wagon.

William Heines has noted that we should not be afraid to ask dumb questions -- they are more easily handled than dumb mistakes. A little boy came running to his mother, out of breath. "Why are you running so fast?" she asked. "I saw a snake" he said panting, "but it wasn't a snake -- it was a stick." "Then why are you shaking?" his mother asked. "Because the stick I picked up to hit it with was a snake" he replied.

Remember the Golden Rule:-THEM THAT HAVE THE GOLD MAKE THE RULES.

Change requires the substitution of new habits for old. You mold your character and your future by your thoughts and acts.

History and literature are full of the miracle of inner change. Do you know of the Persian story of the hunchback prince who became straight and tall by standing each day in front of a statue of himself which had been constructed with his back made straight?

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

A little boy, aged five, was playing with the small daughter of a new neighbor. They had been wading in a lake, and finally decided the only way to keep their clothes dry was to take them off. As they were going back into the water, the little boy looked the little girl over. "Gosh" he remarked, "I didn't know there was that much difference between Protestants and Catholics."

Two friends were discussing their automobile troubles. "What model is your car?" asked one."-- The other replied -"It isn't a model -- it's a horrible example!"

An employment office was checking on an applicant's list of references. "How long has this man worked for you?" a former employer was asked. "About four hours" was the reply. "Why- he told us that he'd been there a long time," said the astonished caller. "Oh, yes," the former employer replied, "he's been here two years, but that is all he has worked."

Any hotel that makes you feel at home should provide better service than that.

Whatever our pleasures may be, the important thing is never to fake them, never to attend a ball game because it is the right thing to do, or read a book because it is fashionable. We should delve into the mysterious inner world of ourselves to isolate and develop our special pleasure skills, often unsharable, often even inexplicable.

There are two kinds of discontent in this world - the discontent that works, and the discontent that wrings its hands. The first gets what it wants, and the second loses what it had. The only cure for the first is success, and there is no cure at all for the second.

The28th Boys Parliament adopted the following during one of their Sessions in Victoria B.C.

Stop and think before you drink.

Don't let your parents down - they brought you up.

Be humble enough to obey. You will be giving orders someday.

Turn from unclean thinking at the first moment.

Don't show off driving. If you want to race - go to Minneapolis.

Choose a date who would make a good mate.

Go to Church faithfully. The Creator gave us the week. Give Him back one hour.

Avoid following the crowd. Be an engine, not a caboose.

Choose your companions carefully. You are what they are.

Or even better: Keep the original Ten Commandments.

To try to look ahead is imperative. The elaborate and vulnerable way of life to which we have committed ourselves by our triumphant advance in technology depends, for its maintenance, on our being able to forecast the future and to make long-term plans in the light of what we foresee. But prediction is being baffled by acceleration.(Arnold Toynbee)

What mankind needs is a new way of life with new aims, new ideals, and a new order of priorities. Health and happiness are more valuable than wealth and power. In our heritage from our ancestors we have spiritual treasures on which we can draw for inspiration in trying to shape our future.(Arnold Toynbee)

Let us face the truth that we do not start free from encumbrance; every generation and every individual inherits the burden of karma, the consequences of earlier action. We have it in our power either to mitigate our inherited karma or to aggravate it, but we cannot jump clear of it, and we ignore it at our peril.(Arnold Toynbee)

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

Most of us can keep a secret -- it's the people we tell it to that can't.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up to yesterday.(Don Marquis)

Minds are like parachutes -- they only work when they are open.

Consumption is the driving force behind global degradation.

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I was most certain of the first time.(Josh Billings)

There are only two kinds of economists. One who doesn't know the future and the other who doesn't know that he doesn't know the future.(John Kenneth Galbraith)

Here are a few games--

MAGIC 1089

1-Take any set of three numbers - starting from high to low       541

2- Reverse the above numbers 145

3- Subtract line two from line one                  396

4- Reverse the numbers on line three to get line four                  693

5- Add lines three and four                        1089               

    The answer is always 1,089.

Magic 142857

1- Out of sight print 142857 in large numbers on a sheet of paper and cut up into 6 pieces.

2-Put any 5 pieces into an envelope and put the 6th. piece in your pocket.

3-Have player multiply above by any number from 2 to 6 and keep their answer secret.

4- Hand them the envelope and ask them to arrange the numbers into their answer.

5-They will say - "There is one missing." At that time take the remaining digit from your pocket and it will complete the answer..

To guess someone's age

1- put down their age and multiply it by 2             age 75 x 2 = 150

2- add 5 and multiply this total by 50.                    l50+5=155x50=7750

3- deduct the days in a year. (365)                          7750-365=7385

4- add change in your pocket(if under $1)                      e.g..25= .25 = 7410

5-add 115 to this.                                                     7410+115=75.25

 The first two figures is your age and the second is the amount of change you had.

Card Games

1- Take any 20 cards -- put them in piles of two each --i.e. ten piles -- face down.

2- Have as many contestants as you want look at and remember any set of cards and return them to the table face down.

3- Pick up all the cards pile by pile in any random order.

4-Arrange them face up in the following pattern.

                                    A T L A S

                             B I B L E

                             G O O S E

                             T H I G H.

Place the first card face up where the first "A" would be and the next card where the second "A" would be and the third and fourth card where the two "T"s appear on the pattern and carry on in the same manner with each letter as they fill in the words in the pattern.

5- Ask any one to name the line or lines where their cards are.

6-If they say line one, visualize the two matching letters which appear there - i.e. on line one it is "A" or if it is line 3 & 4 it is "G", or 1 & 2 it is "L". etc. etc.

Pick Any Card

1- Deal any cards into three vertical rows of seven cards  long -- i.e. a total of 27 cards.

2- Have someone pick out any card without indicating what one it is and remember it.

3- Pick up the rows one by one without changing the sequences - and make sure that the                                

     row with the chosen card is in the middle of the "sandwich".

4-Deal them in three rows as before and ask which row the chosen card is now.

5- Pick them up as before making sure the row with the chosen card is in the middle of the              

     "sandwich".

6- Deal them in the same manner two more times, and on third time the 11th card counting down from the top starting at the top of row one, will be the chosen card. It is also the fourth card down in the middle row on the third deal. You make as many variations as you want, i.e. counting up to the 11th card, or jumble them up and pick it out, or whatever. You know what the chosen card is, and you can change your procedure to suit yourself.(You have dealt the original set and three more)

Foretelling the future as practiced by economists is about as hard as finding a burned out light bulb in a pitch black basement.

The road to success is always under construction.

Milton Friedman - an American economist is credited with saying "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." Many tongue-in-cheek writings have been inspired by it and the following is my favorite.

TANSTAAFL

Whispering Pines, N.C.

            After the war of the Almonds, the land of Kulumar was the richest and most powerful of all.

            It's fields were bountiful and the granaries were full.

            It's flock was fat and sleek.

            The Kulumese were proud and productive. They worked and they rejoiced in the highest standard of living known.

            Sire, the Generous, surveyed all this plenty and said: "Surely a country as rich as Kulumar should provide food and housing and garments for our less fortunate. I will ask the lawmakers to levy a tax on the workers to provide this."

            And the Lawmakers, each of whom hoped one day to become Sire, levied the taxes. They then said: "Let there also be free circuses for those who do not work. And let there be soft hassocks and free wines for those who watch the circuses."

            And the Lawmakers levied more taxes.

            When the workers of Kulumar heard of the free circuses, the soft hassocks, and the food and the wines, and they figured their now monstrous taxes, they said: "That is for us."

            The farmers left the fields. The shepherds abandoned their flocks. The weavers laid down their shuttles. The blacksmiths cooled their forges. All the Kulumese were watching the free circuses.

            Plenty turned to scarcity. No longer was there abundant food. Garments were hard to come by. The Kulumese did not even have camel chips to heat their tents.

            Prices rose and rose. And the Lawmakers raised taxes again and again.(It was the only thing they knew how to do.)

            Misery and gloom replaced joy and pride.

            And Sire, the Generous, who was well intentioned, went to the Wise Man of the Mountain and said: "Wise one, I have tried to give the good life to my people. But they no longer want to work. Food and goods are scarce. Prices are outrageous. Taxes are even more so. Give me a solution."

            And the Wise Man of the Mountain replied in Kulumese: "TANSTAAFL."

            Which means: "There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch."

                                                                                                 Anonymous

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

The "Loonie" was issued in June 1987 and ran in tandem with the dollar bill until June 1989, at which time the dollar bill was withdrawn from circulation.

What is impossible to keep open while sneezing?  --  (Your eyes.)

What is missing from a British postage stamp that makes it different from all other countries in the world? -- (It does not have the name of the country)

A SENIORS PRAYER.

Lord, Thou knowest that I know that I am getting older, and some day I will be old.

            Keep me from getting talkative - and from the fatal habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.

            Release me from craving to try to straighten out everybody's affairs.

            Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details - give me wings to get to the point.

            I ask for grace enough to listen to the tales of other's pain - help me endure them with patience.

            But seal my lips on my own aches and pains - they are increasing - and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.

            Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I am mistaken.

            Keep me reasonably sweet - I do not wish to be a saint - some of them are so hard to live with -- but a sour old man or woman is one of the crowning works of the Devil!

            Make me thoughtful but not moody - helpful but not bossy. With my vast?? store of wisdom it seems a pity to not use it all - but Thou knowest Lord, that in spite of all things, I do want a few friends left at the end.

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Politicians are all the same - they will promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.(Nikita Kruschev)

A good education is a ticket to freedom.

The world's largest reef is the Great Barrier Reef  of Australia.

Canned foods were developed in Napoleon's time for use by his armies.

The largest island in the world is Greenland.

It takes ten inches of snowfall to equal the volume of water in one inch of rain.

The strawberry is the only fruit with it's seeds on the outside.

On May 10,1866 Vancouver City Council held it's first meeting. They had to delay proceedings so the clerk could "run around the corner" to a stationery shop and buy some paper to record the minutes.

It's as easy to recall an unkind word as it is to draw back a bullet after firing a gun.(R.C.Edwards)

Some Canadian History

Jacques Cartier first landed at Cape Bonaventure, Newfoundland on June 3,1534 and went on to explore the St.Lawrence river near Montreal. In July of that year he traded furs with the Micmac Indians in the Gulf of St.Lawrence in what is believed to be the first known exchange of goods between Europeans and our native people. In 1603 Samuel de Champlain sailed for the new colony and five years later founded the City of Quebec as the first settlement in New France. Population grew slowly to 100 people about 20 years later. From these humble beginnings the colony grew, with considerable resistance and conflict from the native people, while at the same time the British, Americans, Spain and other European countries cast envious eyes on the new country and tried to acquire any part of it in any way that they could. Wars, raids, political intrigue were the means to achieve their ends and various areas were gradually consolidated. However on Sept.13,1759 the Battle of the Plains of Abraham occurred and the British defeated Montcalm and France resulting in their loss of Canada . Montreal passed from French to British control on Sept.8,1760 and Quebec a few days later, and the last battle between the British and French forces  occurred when the French garrison at St.John's Newfoundland surrendered on Sep.8,l762. The Treaty of Paris was signed on Feb.10,1763 and ended the war between Britain and France and under this treaty Britain obtained full control of Canada. Before signing the treaty, France gave Louisiana to Spain so that Britain would not acquire it, and in doing this they gave up all their possessions in North America except the Islands of St.Pierre and Miquelon which were retained as bases for French fishermen.

            The next major step was the introduction of the Constitutional Act on January 25,1791, which divided Canada into two provinces - Upper and Lower Canada and each of them had their own legislatures and Lieutenant-Governors. The Act was proclaimed by Royal Declaration on August 24,1791 and the split was deemed necessary to accommodate the great influx of United Empire Loyalists who emigrated to Canada from the United States after the American Revolutionary war. For the next fifty years the country developed with expansion to the West and North with the Hudson's Bay Co. playing a big part. Also the American's tried vainly in the war of 1812 to gain possessions in Canada and were defeated on many occasions. One of the more notable forays was the American forces capturing York(now Toronto) and sacking the town and burning the legislative and other buildings. In retaliation British forces raided Buffalo and Washington, burning legislative and other buildings there.

            The next step was the Act of Union of July 23,1840(passed on Feb.5,l841 & proclaimed Feb.25,1841) in which Upper and Lower Canada were united as the "Province of Canada." It operated as such until Confederation and their major effort was determining borders and establishing a common currency system as well as many other smaller matters. The currency system in use was confused with so many foreign coins etc. that were in circulation and after much debate the decimal system was adopted effective January 1,1858.(America adopted the decimal system in 1808)

            The last action was passing the British North America Act which joined the Provinces of Canada, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick together as the Dominion of Canada.

After this happened Canada East was renamed Quebec and Canada West Ontario. The B.N.A.Act was proclaimed by Queen Victoria on March 29,1867 who set July 1,1867 as the date for Confederation. This created the framework to allow Canada to expand into the nation we know today.

            One could write anecdotes ad infinitum about events that happened in the course of our country's development, however I think these accounts are basically correct and somehow begins to detail the ebb and flow of events which helped to determine the character of our Canada. Interesting and lesser known stories- such as Napoleon's plan to recapture Canada for France in 1800-1803 are included in the book "Dateline Canada" by Bob Bowman. He tells how Napoleon had Sir Alexander MacKenzie's book on his crossing Canada from sea to sea translated into French so that he could use it as a guide map for the invasion. Early in 1800 Napoleon had arranged for the return of Louisiana from Spain and his plan was to attack Canada using this as his base. However he thought it wise to also re-capture Haiti which was a former Colony that had revolted and obtained their freedom earlier. We owe a vote of thanks to the hard fighting Haitians and the fierce mosquitoes which between them in the fighting killed about 60,000 French Army and Navy personnel. This along with other difficulties discouraged him, resulting in his decision to abandon his plan to capture Canada, and to sell Louisiana to the Americans and return home to France. I recommend you read this book - it is one of the better ones that I know of.

            I am proud of my country and have been interested in the history of it's growth, with it's exciting and sometimes desperate struggles for survival and development and have included this rather lengthy account to remind me how fortunate I feel to have been born a Canadian.

Don't throw away that $3 bill!

            The first Bank to issue a $3 bill was the Colonial Bank which in about 1856-57  made an error in judgment on the route that the railway would take and became involved in land speculation and it failed when a different route was chosen. The currency that they had issued thus became worthless . However later the St.Stephens Bank of New Brunswick also issued $3 bills sometime shortly after Confederation. It later merged with the Bank of British North America which later merged with the present day Bank of Montreal sometime after the first world war. This made the Bank of Montreal liable for any outstanding currency of the original bank- the St.Stephens Bank of New Brunswick. When the Bank of Canada was formed, banks could no longer issue their own currency and in 1934 were given 15 years to withdraw all of their notes in circulation, and in 1949 they were required to deposit cash with the Bank of Canada equal to their outstanding note liability. So if you have one of these, it is valid as currency for it's face value -- but it would be a great collector's item.

The world's longest street is Toronto's Yonge Street, which runs North and West to Rainy River, Ont. and is 1900 kilometres long. It was originally surveyed as a military road.

Origin of Paper Currency

In 1685 the New France colonists faced a coin shortage and to alleviate it, the Intendant(business manager) hit upon the idea of taking playing cards and cutting them into different sizes to represent various coin denominations. He then authenticated them with his signature and the plan was to use them until the annual supply ship arrived from France with a further supply of coins and then redeem the cards and burn them. This system broke down as some were never redeemed and the ongoing shortage of coin continued with the outstanding amounts growing larger as the colony expanded. In an effort to end the practice the King of France later offered to redeem any outstanding card currency at one-half their face value. In spite of this in 1749 he authorized an increase in the issue of card money from 720,000 livres to 1,000,000. When French rule in Canada ended, the use of this type of currency also ended and any outstanding certificates became worthless. As a matter of interest the use of paper money first appeared south of the border in 1690 - some five years after the beginning of the use of playing card currency in Canada.

The Shinplaster

            It is typical of political wrangling that it took from 1840 to 1858 for the Province of Canada to abandon the use of British and French currency and to adopt the decimal system which was in use in the United States. There was a great variety of coins circulating at that time with British, Mexican, Spanish and other European coins very common. At the same time Canada was flooded with American coin used for paying for supplies in their civil war. However Canadian coin was introduced and the first shipment received from the Royal Mint consisted of $300,000 in .20,10,5,&1 cent coins,  There were no .25 cent coins ordered because officials thought this denomination was not needed. However the American .25 cent coin and other similar sized foreign coins still circulated and were used as before.

            By 1870 American coin had become such a problem that Sir Francis Hincks (Minister of Finance) decided to send it back to the U.S.A. and replace it with Canadian coin. He ordered the banks to accumulate it and eventually upwards of $5,000,000 was sent back to New York for redemption incurring shipping costs of about $118,000. While this was taking place the popular .25 cent piece became in short supply and public demand for a Canadian .25 cent coin became so strong that Hincks decided to have a supply minted so in the meantime, until it could be made available, he issued .25 cent paper currency of that denomination to meet the demand. This .25 cent paper currency was commonly known as the "Shin Plaster" and even after the coin became available it continued to be so popular that they were re-issued again in 1900 and 1923 and there were about five million still in circulation in 1925 and later in 1935 they all were recalled by the Bank of Canada for redemption.

            Where did it get it's name? Many stories exist but my choice is the one concerning the Scottish slang word for shoes - "Shin". It is known that British soldiers used worthless Confederate currency to stuff into the holes in their shoes during the American Revolutionary War and these were commonly referred to as "Shin plasters". Because of the small denomination of this Canadian issue it seems plausible that the name was inherited by this paper currency. This may not be correct and this version and any other of the stories I have heard so far have not been verified.

The Upper Canada Abolition Act of 1793 abolished slavery in Canada. It was an inadequate law that later was expanded, however it was the first recorded legislation against bondage in the British Empire. In 1834 it was totally abolished in all British possessions, and it was also abolished in the U.S.A. in 1862.

It is well that there is no one without a fault, for he would not have a friend in the world.(Robert C.Edwards- in the Calgary Eye Opener 1915.)

The difference between a friend and an acquaintance is that a friend helps where an acquaintance merely advises.(R.C.Edwards-1921.)

If you want work done well, select a busy man - the other kind has no time.(R.C.Edwards-1922)

Frederic Hauge, the founder of the Bellona Foundation in Norway says "No one can change the world at once, but each individual has in their power the ability to make it a little better each day." Remembering this, we have to realize that in accepting the comforts of society, the protection provided by our community, and the benefits of our country that we have the obligation and responsibility to make our own contribution to improving our world, no matter how small that may be. As one philosopher said -- "We should all stop at the end of the day and ask ourselves the following question -"If I were asked to write a book on the last five years of my life -- what could I say?"

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake? - "It's not my fault!"

Many a man's nose has been broken by his tongue. (Seumas MacManus)

He lives a carefree life --  if it's free he doesn't care!

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but is more useful than a life spent doing nothing.(George Bernard Shaw)

Be enthusiastic to be successful--Henry Ford says -"Enthusiasts are fighters, they have fortitude, they have staying qualities. Enthusiasm is the bottom of all progress - with it there is accomplishment, without it there are only alibis."

How ironic it is that millions of people who long for immortality -- don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon!

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing! (Edmund Burke)

Shake any family tree -- and you are bound to get a few nuts.

You're only young once -- but if you keep that wardrobe you can look foolish forever.

Ode to the mosquito.

Of all the creatures on earth, the deadliest to humans is the mosquito. They kill more humans than any other insect, animal etc. by transmitting diseases through their bites. The malaria parasite they transmit kill about one million children a year in Africa and they also carry yellow fever and at least another 100 viruses which make vast numbers world wide sick each year. There are 3000 species around the world and 75 of these species are in Canada giving it one of the greatest variety of them on the planet. Winnipeg has the dubious honor of being the mosquito capital of North America, with Edmonton a close second - there are 38 species that thrive in Winnipeg and their hatching schedule extends from April to September assuring a good supply coming on stream all summer. Canada's sub-arctic has 18 species and the highest density of mosquitoes on earth. As these pesky creatures search you out you hear their distinctive sound which is produced by the beating of their wings between 300-500 times a second - about 10 times faster than a humming bird. Oh - Why didn't Noah swat the first two when he had the chance!!!

So you want to become a name in history? Then you have to something different and popular. In 1788 Mary Hale was born in New Hampshire = her claim to fame is a poem she wrote in 1830 = "Mary had a little lamb."  Thomas Edison made the first ever recording in 1877 and guess what he recorded -- Yes- it was "Mary had a little lamb!"

A little known fact - John A. MacDonald voted against confederation June 14,1864.

Imprisonment for non payment of debt was abolished in Canada on August 18,1857.

Inventor Reginald Aubrey Fessendon died in 1866. He is known as Canada's forgotten genius for he invented the wireless telephone, which preceded and was the basis for modern day radio, as well as many other items.

In 1871 John and David McDougal arrived in Alberta and became it's first farmers.

On Dec.21,1859 the sod for Ottawa's Parliament was broken. The man who used the shovel was John Rose - Commissioner of Public Works.

On Dec.28,1842 Calixa Lavalee was born - he was the composer of our National Anthem -"O Canada."

In 1874 - 331 ballots were cast in Winnipeg Manitoba's first civic election. However there were only 304 voters registered.

Sir Sanford Fleming was born in Scotland in 1827. He became an engineer and a railroad surveyor in Canada - he designed the first Canadian postage stamp(the three penny beaver) in 1851 -and in 1884 developed the standard time system and time zones in 1884.

Rome is rather an old city - it was founded in 753 B.C.

Transportation

The internal combustion engine was invented in 1885 by Karl Benz of Germany who patented the automobile that year. The first car in Canada was probably a steam propelled vehicle owned by Father Belcourt of Prince Edward Island in 1866, another was an electric car built by Dicksons of Toronto for F.B.Featherstonhaugh K.C. It appeared on the streets on Dec.5,1883 and could go about 15 miles before the batteries needed recharging. The first Canadian owned gasoline car was owned by Col. John Moodie of Hamilton in 1898 - it was a "Winton" and looked like a horse drawn buggy with an engine in the rear. Cars arrived in Vancouver in 1902 and drove on the left hand side of the road until about 1920. On May19,1889 Jacob German of New York became the first person charged with speeding - he was going 19 km per hour - in 1911 the first Indianapolis was run - it was won with the blinding speed of 74.4 mph. The worlds first gas station was opened in Pittsburg Dec.1,1903 and the first one in Vancouver was about 1907. Major J.S.Mathews (Vancouver archivist) took a 13 gallon kitchen hot water tank, fitted it with a length of garden hose, and hired a retired night watchman (J.S.Ralston) as attendant. A shed was built on the S.E. corner of Cambie and Smithe and Vancouver's first gas station was in business.

The geographical center of Canada is Eskimo Point, N.W.T. It is located on Cape Horne which is on the west coast of Hudson Bay, just north of Churchill, Manitoba.

Women got the right to vote in Canada on May 24,1918 - in Manitoba on January 27,1916 - In Saskatchewan March 14,1916 - in British Columbia on April 14,1917 - in Ontario on April 12,1917 - in Nova Scotia on April 26,1918 - in Quebec on April 25,1940. All other Provinces gave the vote to women in the 1917-1918 range.

The world's first street car was horse drawn in New York - it held 30 people and it cost twelve and a half cents a ride.

It is said "Go to school to get an education - then go out into the world to get educated." The simple solution to success in life is to make sure of the first as this makes the second easier.

Nothing divides a nation more than ignorance - and nothing brings it together better than an educated population.(John Scully)

Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures. And however undramatic the pursuit of peace is - that pursuit must go on.(John F.Kennedy)

It all starts with you!

If there be righteousness in the heart, there will be beauty in the character.

If there be beauty in the character, there will be harmony in the home.

If there be harmony in the home, there will be order in the nation.

If there be order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.

This pretty well concludes my little project. When I started this I felt it should be regarded in the same way the person looked at the thin ice on which he was going to be skating i.e. with a little fear and trepidation, and felt like him- never judge a b(r)ook by it's cover. Little did I realize the number of "bits and pieces" that had accumulated in my "scrambled" filing system and how many of them, which seemed relevant a few decades ago did not fit today's world and accordingly were not included. At the same time some of the articles written years ago dealt with problems in our world which still remain unsolved but slow progress is being made using the increased knowledge and advancements and awareness of them in our time.

            I guess that my interests must cover a range from the ridiculous to the sublime. I look at the irony of how the brutal Attila the Hun, one of the most powerful warriors of his time who had conquered large areas of Europe - died of a simple nose bleed in 459 A.D.- and compare it to the heroic achievement of a 14 year old Canadian girl, Madeline Jarret de Vercheres, who in 1692 in the early days of our history, saved her village from capture by the Indians and who, having no experience and few arms, rallied the villagers left behind and held the raiders off against heavy odds until help arrived. How the mighty can fall and the weak can soar!

            The dreams of earlier centuries became the reality of present day technology and accomplishments which have advanced from the lowly abacus to the speed of present day computers. In line with this we can see from history that our way of life has evolved from ancient times with a common thread of decency and good will, and points out that people in each generation must individually use their increased knowledge to direct their efforts, however small, to maintain and improve our world and it's condition. The Bible teaches us that we are all created in the image of God -- but we also know that we are not all created alike. It is that delightful diversity that allows us to contribute to passing on a better world to those who follow us in our own way and according to the level of gifts with which we have been blessed.

            The creation of the book centuries ago allowed the freezing between two covers the events, dreams, culture, scientific discoveries, inventions of all sorts, and a wide range of other information pertaining to the age in which they were written. It has been claimed that books in existence today contain all original thought ever made, and the only input of any original thought by succeeding generations is what they add  in their own life and time to those already recorded. When Sir Isaac Newton was asked what inspired his discoveries he replied "I have stood on the shoulders of giants." So perhaps the most important accomplishment since the beginning of time was the invention of

<> A BOOK <>

                                                                                                        Alan T.

                                                                                                               1997 drop me a line

 My son has a website that is full of idiom drawings.  Check it out!